


ethereal

by meredy



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: M/M, just?? a bunch of drabbles i guess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-15
Updated: 2015-03-02
Packaged: 2018-02-25 13:07:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2622890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meredy/pseuds/meredy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He’s from a family of assassins, he doesn’t deserve love of all things, he thinks as soon he remembers that he’s probably had more blood on his skin than he has running through his body.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> SOMETIMES I WRITE REALLY SHORT KIRUGON THINGS AND THEN NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM. so here we are  
> so yeah these are basically all drabbles!!! most of them are set after the end of the 2011 anime but uh!! i might throw in some other stuff mayb..  
> chances are none of these are proof read so if you ever spot any mistakes feel free to give me a heads up, it'd be appreciated!  
> ah,, forgive me if anyone seems ooc! i'm still trying to warm up to everyone and it hasn't helped that i /still/ haven't read the manga yet..... i rlly need to soon

He hates the way they say goodbye—it shouldn’t be goodbye, there’s no reason for a goodbye (there is, his brain supplies, he’s the reason they need to say goodbye) but it’s goodbye.       
He doesn’t know how long they’ll be apart for but it’s okay he tries to tell himself, he has Alluka and Gon has Ging and that should be fine with the both of them, they’re not _alone_ so they should be fine.  
He barely lasts five minutes before he feels his eyes stinging.  
He wants to laugh at himself and Alluka shoots him a concerned glance with a mumbled “Onii-chan?” but he shrugs her off in the nicest way possible, telling her that it’s nothing, just an itchy eye before he pats her head.  
(She believes it as she relaxes into his touch and really, he wishes it was nothing, he wishes it was just an itchy eye but it’s not; it’s just memories of Gon and a pain in his chest he wasn’t aware existed before.)

* * *

“Do you ever miss Gon?” Alluka asks him one day as they sit down for lunch and he watches the way she watches him, eyes wide and legs swinging back and forth.   
He shrugs once or twice—he can’t really tell, the second she says his name he feels his eyes burning again because it had been a few weeks since he’d _heard_ Gon’s name. Hearing it wasn’t the same as thinking it, apparently.   
“I guess.”  
(They both know the answer is yes, unmistakably, undeniably yes.)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do u ever think about killua and cry. bc i do

Even the thought of Gon leaves him breathless nowadays.  
He isn’t used to it, probably won’t ever be—the way it feels _weird,_ the way _he_ feels weird. It’s not like him, not at all, not in the slightest.   
Since when did he think and care about such delicate things like holding hands, after all? How could he care about such things when his hands were stained with other people’s blood?  
 It doesn’t feel all that weird in reality, though. It leaves him feeling light, warm and free, which he figures isn’t all that unusual since Gon is practically the definition of freedom itself.   
(He’s not, his mind supplies, Gon is anything but free, really, but Killua likes to imagine—hope—that Gon feels free.)   
It’s still weird though, he thinks, when he finds himself thinking about Gon even after they’ve parted ways, the way he finds himself slotting his own hand in place with his own at night and imagining—hoping—it’s Gon, but he’s met with cold pale skin that feels blood stained and it doesn’t feel right at all. It’s obviously not Gon, not that he had been expecting it to be, but he’s still disappointed.   
He’s held hands a few times before, admittedly only with Alluka, but he knows holding hands with Gon would be _different._ He tries not to think too much about it because really, he doesn’t even know where Gon is right now, doesn’t even know if Gon is _alive_ —he hopes he is, secretly prays that he is because what the hell would he do if Gon wasn’t? —and it’s stupid, it’s all hopelessly stupid and he’s letting himself get caught up with his emotions again. He hates it, he thinks mindlessly. It’s stupid, it’s all really, really stupid.   
He’s from a family of assassins, he doesn’t _deserve_ love of all things, he thinks as soon he remembers that he’s probably had more blood on his skin than he has running through his body.   
_Focus on Alluka._ He tries to tell himself because really, he’d split up with Gon to take care of Alluka, to show Alluka the world she had been shut out from and that’s what he should be doing—but he’s not and he _needs_ to be.  
He thinks that it’s kind of selfish but he wishes he could see the world with Gon, too.   
He likes being with Alluka, hell, he _loves_ being with Alluka and showing her all sorts of wonderful things but he sort of wishes Gon was there with them too.   
It’s selfish, he thinks, but in reality, he'd always been a little selfish when it came to Gon. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gon centric apparently!! there's a few hints of kirugon and stuff,, probably set around the chimera ant arc? (i remember writing this whilst i watched it so..)   
> the ending feels rlly unfinished but shrugs when do i ever finish anything properly

Gon’s fists shake with a rage he wasn’t sure he had, a rage Killua didn’t know he had, a rage that he doesn’t even feel _aware_ of. It’s a rage that slips through the corners of his mind and finds its way into his fists, clenched tight, teeth strained together as he tries not to lose it, as he tries not to let the anger he feels overtake every single bone of his body, every single ounce of his flesh.   
Gon is briefly aware of the rage he feels, it takes over all the sadness he had previously felt, all of the pain he didn’t want to admit to—it changes it into a mixture of shaking fists, blurry images and pure _fury.  
_ He doesn’t like being mad, he decides, it’s not like him.   
(He knows Killua feels the same, he knows _everyone_ feels the same—but he can’t help it. He can’t help the way his fists shake, the way he grits his teeth and the way he wants— _needs_ —to punch something, someone, _anything_. It’s not like him, he’s aware of it, but he can’t help it no matter how much he tries.)   
The anger he feels shakes deep under his skin, it flows like blood between his bones and flesh and he hates it.   
It’s not like him—it’s nothing like him.   
  
He wants Killua to tell him to calm down, he wants Killua to grab his arm, to give him some form of physical contact—something, anything—that he can rely on to make him feel just a little bit calmer. Something to make his fists stop shaking in a way that even scares _him_ , something that will ease the anger that he feels like is bubbling out of his fists and threatening to break someone in half.   
( _Don’t come near me. Don’t touch me. Don’t come near me. I’ll probably kill you. Don’t come near me. Don’t touch me. Don’t get close.)_

He exhales at least five times but nothing changes, his fingers still shake within his closed hand, his brain still submits under the fury he feels—  
—and he hates it.   
He hates the way he can’t stop it, the way he can’t keep it until control, the way that he feels like everyone is telling him to calm down, calm down, calm down, even though he’s telling himself too—he hates it. He’d calm down if he could, don’t they understand that? Don’t they see the way that his fists are clenched so hard he’s drawing blood from his own hands? Don’t they see the way he’s biting his tongue so he doesn’t say anything he’ll regret later? Don’t they see anything at all?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think i was trying somewhat of a new writing style when i wrote this!!! i was mostly trying to think like gon through it too but i think i ended up thinking more of how killua would? idk i don't imagine gon would be all ~ fancy ~ when he thinks about how he feels in general about things??? i think he'd be p straight to the point, esp about killua but we can just. ignore that for now :^

Gon watches Killua more than he’d like to admit—not in a creepy way, not at all, he just _enjoys_ watching Killua in the most normal sense possible.  
Killua, oddly enough, reminds him of home. He’s not sure why because Killua is _nothing_ like his home at all, but Killua is undoubtedly like home anyway.  
(Gon tries not to question it and tries his best to accept it but it’s still a little weird, he decides.)

He watches Killua sometimes like how he would watch the sea, carelessly and openly.  
He observes Killua like he would observe the sea, carefully and quietly.  
He likes Killua like he likes the sea, completely.       
(He thinks it’s because Killua’s eyes remind him of the sea, they have the same shade of blue, he realizes. Killua himself reminds him of the sea, too, a sea full of a troubles and a sea in the middle of a storm.)

Gon is usually eumoirous, he’s happy to be open with how he feels—apart from when it’s about how he really feels for Killua. He voices that Killua is his friend openly and freely but that’s as far as he can go, he can’t admit that he values Killua so much that it scares him, he can’t admit a handful of things about Killua.

Gon is not a storm at first glance but Killua is. Gon is a storm when you dig deeper, Gon is probably more of a storm than Killua is.  
They would be a terrific storm together, Gon thinks—Gon knows.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LOVE WRITING KILLUA IN PAIN APPARENTLY  
> i think it's fairly obvious that it's in killua's sort of?? point of view (i mean. it's still in third person so you can't tell all that well and it could easily be interpreted as gon but!! i wrote it as killua.. although you're free to set it as whoever you want i suppose?)  
> set in a situation where killua gets jealous over gon having another friend that he thinks gon values more or,, set in a situation where killua Knows he likes gon and all of that stuff,, Nice  
> but yeah i wrote this?? a few days ago whilst thinking about jealous/sad killua (*￣m￣)  
> i was intending to add more to it but i just never did and i probs never will?? so slam dunks it here
> 
> OH ALSO!! thank you for the kudos ! i didn't expect a bunch of really short and pointless drabbles to get kudos hah ;; thank you!!!

It’s a stupid kind of feeling, he thinks, it’s some stupid mixture between a ridiculous envy, dishonesty and something else that he can’t quite place.  
He hates it.  
It shouldn’t get under his skin the way it does, he shouldn’t feel the way he does; none of this is any of his business, really, he’s aware of it but it doesn’t change anything—doesn’t change the jealous sigh he lets out more often than not, doesn’t change the anger he feels in his clenched fists, doesn’t change the way his eyes sting with _angerangeranger_ —doesn’t change the self hatred he feels. It’s disgusting that he feels the way he does and it only makes him hate himself even more.  
There’s nothing he can do, he tries to tell himself and accept it; there’s really nothing to do. He knows he’s unworthy of him and he knows that someone else would suit him a lot better. He knows that he’s not the right one and probably won’t ever be.  
He knows, he knows, he knows—but he still wishes to be and he still _wants_ to be but he’s not, he’s not, he’s not.  
He starts crying before he even realizes it, eyes sore and heart heavy—he hates it, he hates the way both feel and he hates the way they feel together.  
 _Unworthy._ He thinks.  
 _I know._


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i literally wrote this within a minute?? ok  
> tw for blood, mentions of veins and implied death

He barely thinks in that moment—in the moment it feels like it is all blood and saltwater— _he_ is blood and saltwater.  
He watches the blood drip down Gon’s arm, colouring over the veins he had grown used to seeing, framing them in a deep red.  
It’s wrong. It’s wrong, wrong, wrong.  
His hands shake before he realizes it, his legs feel heavy and he feels lightheaded; he was used to seeing blood, wounds, injuries and pain but he was not used to seeing those things on Gon.  
 _Don’t touch him.  
_ He watches the way the blood drips down Gon’s temple, the man piercing Gon’s skin grins over at him with a sadistic smile.  
 _Don’t touch him.  
_ He glares, breathes harder for a split second and lunges before he realizes it.  
 _You shouldn’t have touched him._  
 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GON CENTRIC NICE  
> starting off the new year w/ kirugon... nice  
> idk where this was even going so LMAO

 It's cold, he thinks bitterly, though he finds it's always cold nowadays without Killua around. It's not like Killua was ever really  _warm_ by any means but having Killua by his side was—  
—reassuring, he supposes. 

It's the end of summer but he's shivering, goose bumps trailing on his skin— _stupid_ , he thinks.  _I know._

He can't do anything about it; he doesn't own Killua, he can't make choices  _for_ Killua (and he doesn't want to do either of those things anyway, Killua is Killua and he's  _finally_ free to make his own choices), but most of all, he can't make Killua stay, no matter how much he wishes Killua would.  
(And he knows that Killua won't, he's already gone, already left with Alluka to show her things she's never seen and really, he's happy for the both of them, they're spending time together, something they both love to do but never really  _got_ to do before—  
—but he's sad, too. He misses Killua.)

As much as he didn't like to admit it, he knew he needed Killua. He'd felt like Killua needed him too but after hearing that he was just number two to Alluka, he knew Killua didn't need him—nowhere near as much as he needed Killua.   
(It's okay, he tries to breathe, it's okay—  
—it's not.)

He's still shaken up from past events, limbs heavy some days but his mind seems to weigh even more most days. (Kite, Kite, Kite. Killua, Killua, Killua. They're the only two people he seems to think about nowadays.)   
(It's your fault, his brain seems to say daily, I know, he always seems to respond.) 

He tries to tell himself to forget about Killua, for now at least, but even when he manages to for a split second, Killua overtakes his thoughts almost instantly again—and it's not in a way he likes, not in a way he enjoys, no, not at all. It's all thoughts of being second best, all harsh words falling out of Killua's mouth that he'd never said to Gon before but Gon can  _hear_ them, Gon can  _taste_ them like the poison Killua is immune to, Gon can  _feel_ them like the heavy weight he feels in his chest when he thinks about how much he really does miss Killua.  
He hates it, he hates it  _all._ It's stupid and dumb and he hates it, he hates it, he hates it.  
(Breathe—  
—I'm trying. It's hard to without Killua.)

(Breathe—  
— _I'm trying.)_

* * *

He sees Killua for the first time in  _months_ as he passes him and Alluka on the street.   
Neither Killua, nor Alluka, notice him but it's still the first time he breathes properly since he and Killua went their separate ways.  
It's bittersweet.  
He longs to reach out and merely touch Killua but he can't; he can barely even move, let alone approach  _Killua_ —it's not his place to, at least not any more.   
He should wait for Killua to approach  _him,_ he decides bitterly, after all, it's not his place to approach Killua first any more. (And he thinks for a split second, has it ever been?) 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> friendzoned killua-kun  
> i honestly have no idea what this is

Killua tries to be content with the way things are with Gon but he can’t help it; he’s always been _a little_ selfish when it came to Gon. He tries to accept that if they were meant to be more than _friends_ , they would be—but he knows deep down he just _can’t_ because he is Killua and Gon is Gon and he’s always been drawn to Gon, like a moth is drawn to the light and he thinks bitterly that their relationship is kind of the same as a moth and a light—it’s only a matter of time before Gon lights Killua on fire and waits for him to burn out—or until he forgets all about him—he’s not sure which he’d prefer, because burning away is painful (he knows) but he thinks being forgotten by Gon is worse.

It’s painful to think about; the fact Gon doesn’t need him as much as he needs Gon—in fact, he doubts Gon needs him at all. It hurts to think but he knows it’s something he should—probably must, actually—accept. He doesn’t want to but he’d do anything for Gon and if it means enduring a little bit of pain, he could do it, right? He could make sure he felt nothing towards Gon, all platonic feelings and nothing more because if that’s what Gon wants, Killua wants to make it happen.


End file.
